I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
You Might Also Like
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
Decided to eat outside and a gust of wind just blew half my salad away. Welcome to British summer.
Trying to explain that I’m fascinated by Japan for wood joinery reasons and not nerd or pervert reasons.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
it is time once again
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.