Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.

*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*

me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon

SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?

ME: oh, I don’t work here

*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*

We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.

Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.

Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.

started wrapping my pills in cheese

Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.

Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this

my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue

The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra

Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]

If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”

A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.

“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine

Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?

Me: we met at a nickelback conc-

Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder

I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.

Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?

Me: You have those here?!

Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?

Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.

*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*

Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip

Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.

Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.

Partner: I’m breaking up with you

Me: Oh why?

Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird

Me: Oh. I see. OK

Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.

Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.

Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.

Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.

hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan

Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299