Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.

It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.

Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.

*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid

what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.

Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.

My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars

My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.

Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”

Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”

Me: is there anything on my face

Him: no you’re good

[15 minutes later]

Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair

Him: you didn’t ask about your hair

Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.

I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.

Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.

[3am]

no one:

not a soul:

my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself

Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots

My kid invented a game but told me it was too complicated and I wouldn’t understand. Reader, he is throwing a stuffed animal repeatedly in the air and catching it

Dear diary,

Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?

I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.

I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick

The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗

a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch

“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– that one really embarrassing thing you did
– literally everyone still remembers & talks about it
– you’d think they forget but no lmao
– can’t believe you did that lol

It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.

My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife

Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.

*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*

No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.

Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?

Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.

Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado

Barista: What’s a furtado?

Me: It’s like a bird