I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
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If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.