I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
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[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body