I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
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“Unprecedented times” at this point would be if something nice happened like we all got a coupon for a free sandwich
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
My birth announcement for our third baby
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
“How is the job search going?” first of all, that is a violent question. And it hurts me, by the way. And second, how the hell should I know
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
Plaintiffs and defendants should have courtroom entrance music like professional wrestlers
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
when I was a toddler I couldn’t sit still on my first airplane ride and the flight attendant’s response was to simply take me into the cockpit to bother the pilots
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that