Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”

Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous

Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.

[day after the beast’s household got turned back into people]
beauty:

beast:

beauty:

beast:

beauty: …so we just don’t have cups now?

I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.

When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2

I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily

But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special

dad: when i die, donate my body to science

[later]

me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go

“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”

Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag

Him: sir this is a food bank

Me: put all the broccoli in the bag

On Tuesday, my husband and I celebrate 19 years of marriage, and I need gift ideas. What do I buy for a man who already has an incredible wife?

No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED

I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.

China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.

If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting

Me: You should have been more specific

Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel

Me: ok that does make more sense

I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”

Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.

Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.

My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.

My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?

(car shopping w/ teenage son)

Me: What do you think about this one?

Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.

Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.

I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.

The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues

You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.

How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?

“I have toddler-like reflexes.”

“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”

*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*

“No.”

I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.

How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?

If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.