I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
You Might Also Like
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
I’m soirée for my mispronunciation of French words.
Me? Well, I just spent 5 minutes examining a worrisome mole before it fell off because it was a junior mint .
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
i wonder if hootie ever experimented with other kinds of fish
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Be vigilant
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is hkH6U3pvL2PbqtEf
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
This scene was so out of pocket looking back 😭 ☠️
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.