I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
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[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
My 8yo ran inside and scooped up a huge handful of halloween candy to sell to the neighbor kids, and when I told him to just give them out, responded with: they can have the first one free, then they have to pay
just learned that they put your last name on a pet’s prescription which means there are pharmacists out there who went to school for years just to dispense Zoloft to a Meatball Williams
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
The kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were pretty dumb if they couldn’t figure out that their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
Body by cheese-puffs.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*