I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
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If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
me: i’ve been flirting with this guy for weeks and he doesn’t know i’m alive
friend: flirting how?
me: i retweeted him two times what do i have to do…throw myself at him??
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
“Of course I’ve tried that!”
– me lying to my doctor about not making a simple lifestyle change he suggested because I’d rather just get a pill to fix it
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
Fun Fact: Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soap.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
