Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1st date]

waiter: can I bring you anything?

her: maybe some Worcestersh–

me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–

her: and the check

Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?

Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.

Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat

Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!

eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft

“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.

Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.

I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.

My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.

In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.

[eyeing a beautiful woman]

ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants

HER: they look terrible on you

My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.

* scratches *

Damn.

Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..

” I made my famous dip for the office party”

You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.

“But he wasn’t a chef”

Exactly

wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees

Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.

inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there

a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready

I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.

Him: I love nerd girls

Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?

Him: no. not like that.

…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.

A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture

How much room do fungi need to grow?

As mushroom as possible.

Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats

Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries

Me: Even if I-

Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat

Me: *purrs*

Her: Still no

I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.

We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.

If kids these days had a perfume, it would be called
Audacity

there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now

I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire

My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.

[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”