I don’t know what I was expecting but, it was not that 😁
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Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
Asking the real questions!
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
“How can I improve my cooking skills?”
Reddit: ummm methinks it was too hot in the kitchen for someone
Quora: Practice , avoid getting divorced that where it went down hill for me … [1/50]
Google A.i search result: Leave the gas burners on over night and kill any witnesses
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
GPS randomly stopped working on my phone this morning. Have accepted that I live here now. In the woods. Two blocks from home.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster