I don’t know what I was expecting but, it was not that 😁
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*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
How dare you say I’m crazy on the eve of my cats wedding
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
