I don’t know what I was expecting but, it was not that 😁
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Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
The kid next to me on the flight sang we don’t talk about bruno pretty much the entire time and had the audacity to keep calling me mom
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon