I don’t know what I was expecting but, it was not that 馃榿
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Actively furious that the global Microsoft outage doesn鈥檛 seem to have affected my workplace.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don鈥檛 do this
ME: oh i鈥檓 just getting started
He instantly became one of the bros
Not today
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
Millennials complain a lot about how we can鈥檛 afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn鈥檛鈥ike GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they鈥檙e engaged <3
I bet Gloria Estefan鈥檚 kids were terrified of rhythm.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
Let鈥檚 get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
Some random person just tilled my and my neighbors’ garden sometime during the night.
I’m afraid we’re dealing with a serial tiller.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it鈥檚 my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.