I don’t know what I was expecting but, it was not that 😁
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it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
2 years later
Money is the root of all wealth
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
◾️
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
I just smiled to everyone I invited over to watch football as I turned it off and started the puppet show.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
The Onion called it…again.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?