I don’t know what I’d do if a pen leaked in my mouth. I dread tooth ink.
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I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves…
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.