I don’t know what I’d do if a pen leaked in my mouth. I dread tooth ink.
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“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
Sharon I have some bad news
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.