I don’t know what I’d do if a pen leaked in my mouth. I dread tooth ink.
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I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
Mirror, mirror on the wall like, wtf is your problem? Why do you keep staring at me?
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
What do you call it when everything pisses you off but you’re good at not murdering people?
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
“Hi I’m returning this book, and before you say anything, it was checked out to me like this.”
“It was checked out to you wet?”
“…Yes.”
“In that case I commend you on managing to not let it dry out over the past two weeks and can I ask for your hydration regimen?”
My Sentiments Exactly
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining