i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
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flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
“I took care of your clown problem.”
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert