Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m not a fan.”

-air conditioner

USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about

Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.

Did you know?

A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.

And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.

What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.

Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency

Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party

Sorry I was late, I was waiting for my cvs receipt to finish printing

Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?

(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)

Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”

[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close

The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.

*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want one

My ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?

“Wow, that’s great!”

~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.

SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.

Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.

It’s kids. I have kids.

Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.

Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.

When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:

Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*

My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.

My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun

One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.

Me: is everything ok you seem distant

Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars

Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?

Disney: okay i guess we’ll close the parks but ONLY because it’s above a category 3

Me: How much for the doggy in the window

Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here

If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.

interviewer: questions about the job?

me: how can I get suspended with pay

For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties