Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?

Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around

Me: I promise you I do not

Me: I’ve learned so much from my mistakes.
Also me: Let’s make a few more

My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.

My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re ok

Me when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5

That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.

i’m laughing very hard in real life

“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”

Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.

*adds pineapple to your lasagna*

I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.

due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police

Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories

Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better

My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu

I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.

Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?

Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself

Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!

M: so I’ve been thinking

*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*

About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.

As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad

Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.

[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi

Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?

God: just turn around

Almost every animal: ok

Owl: I absolutely will not

Her: How would you describe that green sheep?

Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?

Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!

Entrapment 101

I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.

Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.

I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.

You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.

Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking

Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅