i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
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NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
Are you there, bankrupt business? It’s me, Spirit Halloween.
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
this independent good boy don’t need no human
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”