i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
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DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
I’ve been drinking.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
Somewhere in an alternate universe
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.