i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
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ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
The legends were true
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
“Knock knock”
“Whose there?”
“The spelling police”
“Oh know!”
I use a wheelchair. I’m in charge of distributing nonalcoholic beverages at parties. I roll with the punches.
God, I love Scotland
Saturday
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that