I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
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Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot