I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
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How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
well well well, if it isn’t the holiday weight i said i wouldn’t have to worry about
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
My first child will be named New Folder.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*