I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
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Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Me every time my old dentists office calls me to schedule an appointment not knowing I changed to a new dentist
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
i sent you a message telepathically and you didn’t respond…are you mad at me?
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.