I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
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Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
Seeing ads for bras is so funny cause it’s like seeing an ad for a house. I’m only gonna buy one, maybe two in my life. Chill out
Mary: https://t.co/FBHSZQ2Ynu
— David W. Peters (@dvdpeters) December 15, 2024
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*