*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
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*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.