I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
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Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
HR said no more nunchucks.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
#inspiration #foodforthought
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.