Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
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Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.