I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
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Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
Shallow zombies are like “looooooooks”
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
can’t believe I got front row seats
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?