I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
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It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
We could all be hibernating right now but noooooo we have to be “adults” with “responsibilities”
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Quadruple digit IQ
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
Good dog. ❤️
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
I tried to take a picture of myself in the shower, but my camera kept fogging up.
I have selfie steam issues.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
Monday?
No. Next question.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant