I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
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Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
Raisins are grape jerky.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery