I don’t know what to do
You Might Also Like
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
I put the hot in psychotic.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
I’m sorry I mistook your baby for a bag of cheetos. If it helps, it was very tasty.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.