I don’t know what to do
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If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
every movie should have a part where it flashes MEANWHILE ON SKULL ISLAND and they show us what king kong up to
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”