I don’t know what to do
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Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
you spend so long trying to think of a name for your cat only to end up calling them “for god’s sake” and “please stop”
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
Ghosts can’t cut or color their hair; hence they’re supernatural
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
mechanics be like
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored