explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
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You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55