I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
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her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
A collection of me turning into random objects.
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”