I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
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“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
Package delivery vans should play music when they’re driving through a neighborhood like ice cream trucks do
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
My kid, asking the important questions after I told her I’d gone to the PTA meeting this morning, “How did you wear your hair?”
Adultry does not sound fun at all
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.