I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
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The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
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Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.