Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?

Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.

THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?

ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy

Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.

Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.

Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.

I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy

Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.

ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla

same energy

One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone

If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.

Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.

shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period

When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”

STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant

DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…

STICK BUG WIFE: …and?

DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick

Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.

I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.

If they made Dracula swallow a grenade would that kill him or is it still just a hard “only wooden stakes/the sun” rule

Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.

my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed

He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.

I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.

Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts

Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.

Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.

I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.

Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old