Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Slams suitcase shut*

Me: Case closed.

Judge: Stop doing that.

The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.

Waitress: Is everything ok?

Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?

Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever

You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.

On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.

pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do

A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.

I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying

Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious

I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.

I’m still very hungry.

[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.

Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.

In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.

every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”

If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.

The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.

My favourite drivers are the designated ones.

ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed

COLLEAGUE: It’s not working

ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working

Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.

Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.

I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.

Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma

Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.

*walks into Apple store

“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”

*walks out of Apple store

I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.

Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?

Me: No, it’s for me.

Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.

God: you’re an amphibian.

Frog: what does that mean?

God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.

Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?

God: no that’s not what I-

Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.

I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.

In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.

“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.

Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.

one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process