I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
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If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
The sacred texts.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
that’s really how it is
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies