I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
You Might Also Like
Chief Wiggum, Springfield PD, here… they’re doing WHAT?
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
My joke about a partition wall really split the room
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
DJ Aligator is my favourite musician named after two things that tried to bite me in my twenties.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
You know how when you pack, you’re supposed to use your socks and underwear to take advantage of any small spaces left amid the pants and shoes and jackets and etc.? That’s my strategy with after-dinner snacks.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
20’s: what even is a hangover?
40’s: puts on sunglasses to open fridge
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason