Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.

Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?

Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?

If you don’t have a birth certificate YOU WEREN’T BORN 😠

my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?

me: idk, want me to google it?

him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this

me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree

him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense

The guy I’m training thinks he’s going to take my job by undermining me, listen, buddy, you can have it.

[First date]

Her dad: I want her home before midnight

Me: but you already own her home

Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will

My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.

I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.

I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.

Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.

Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store

Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?

Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)

13: so dad, I was thinking.

Me: about what, son?

13: I’m taller than you…

Me: yeah, and?

13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.

Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.

*Swivels around in swivel chair*

*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*

Evil villian: WEEEEE!

Me: *walks into room*

My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.

Me: *walks back out of room*

Him: You are a souless ginger.

Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.

Him: Funny!

Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.

Him: *nervous laugh*

Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.

Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.

Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.

“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old

Utility company website: Are you a bot?

Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.

Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”

my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…

PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.

Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.

“are you drunk?”

– everyone’s response when i send a nice text

I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.

Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?

Mom: What did I just say?!?

Kid: Don’t you remember?