Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.

*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…

OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE

someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling

My boss: Do I pay you for napping?
Me: No, I do that for free.

At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.

Tired: Clapping when the plane lands

Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives

Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻‍♀️

God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect

Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha

God *creates asteroids*

My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?

Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)

Dude at the gym: whoa that’s a lot of weight

Me: [picking up my stack of bills again] yea man and that’s just this month

My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.

“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats

I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.

You saw nothing. I am ham.

Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.

Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.

Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.

Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people

A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty

These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.

My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.

If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.

i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽

and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭

[first day as a psychiatrist]

PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices

ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking

When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.

i have feelings for you but you have to guess which ones

who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap

I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.

An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.

Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.