I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
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You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
me: my daughter wants to be a princess, and my son wants to be a bank robber
coworker: what adorable costumes!
me: costumes?
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
wow
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
My 7 year old asked me why my brother’s family “only eats 3 meals a day” and that should tell you everything you need to know about my grocery bill.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall