I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
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Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
As a kid I wasn’t allowed to dress up and go trick or treating. So as an adult I enjoy it even more, and wish there were more satanic holidays.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
Everything becomes normal eventually. Think of the most beautiful spot on earth, the place you would give your left arm to see just once before you die. There’s a tour guide who works there, and he wakes up every morning thinking, “Oh god, not this shit again.”
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”