Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.

Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up

Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.

Sincerely, spiders

There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds

I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.

Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce

Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night

wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight

Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.

ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*

[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”

FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes

ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!

How people watch movies when they’re:

DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*

I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.

‘Yes, sir. He’s barricaded himself in. He’s taken two sausages’

As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.

boss caught me photoshopping sir patrick stewart in different wigs so a visit to hr is probably on the horizon

I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.

Death: I’m coming for you.

Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.

Death: Lol, k.

Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.

Death: You’re not even that hot.

[joins a conga line]

me: I can leave any time I like

[someone joins behind]

me: oh no

I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary

[aliens invading our home]

Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED

One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.

You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.

LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice

what are they serving at kfc then???

Mhm.

My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.

*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB

If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.