Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?

me: he’s my life coach

her: you wanna go to olive garden?

*duck whispers in my ear*

me: that’s a yes

I told my doctor I have a problem with my left ear.

“Are you sure?”

I replied, “Yeah, I’m definite.”

No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED

Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*

My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water

Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?

Calamarie Kondo: What

[ quarantine, day 46 ]

me: this boredom is unbearable

my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you

*leans in for a kiss*

DENTIST: stop that

Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.

whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work

This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.

[at funeral]

FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss

ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured

FRIEND: I meant for your wife

ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost

Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.

Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?

Me: It depends on how they were raised…

I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.

Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.

Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.

Me: Wait, did you just point at me?

“Alexa, homeschool the children.”

I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.

last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”

If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.

I know the English colonized the world and all, but it’s hard to take them seriously when they create recipes like “bubble and squeak” and “toad in the hole.”

Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika

Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.

All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.

STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF

#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.

“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.

I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.

[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp

7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!

Me: Well I’m convinced.

I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.

*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME