Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”

This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.

I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now

Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there

TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT

When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.

FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota

If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”

“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –

Me, the day after the office Christmas party.

I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.

*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror*

*returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3

Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?

Her: why are u breaking up with me

Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen

Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?

Sometimes my cat sneezes and I’m like “Oh no. You’re allergic to cats.”

Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.

S:
D:

S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.

S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?

S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?

S: MOM! Come get your husband.

While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.

Nothing flies faster than the ketchup out of the bottle when you only want a little.

*Jumps out of bed

“Seize the day!!”

*Stubs toe

*Calls in sick

Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.

Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.

I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.

Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.

What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?

“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”

me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs

proctologist: how many are in here

If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.

Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.

“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?

I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks