Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.

Logged into Facebook.

‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’

Logged out of Facebook.

I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.

when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances

Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership

Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*

I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.

People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!

yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.

Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.

“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…

– Adam Sandler being handed a script

If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork

I have this condition that means I have to vacuum my house daily.

Friend: Oh, OCD?

Me: Children.

When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you

Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?

waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING

[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]

[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]

[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]

[Everybody cuts foot loose]

FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”

In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.

At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again

My work here is done

Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.

I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny

Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!

Kids: Yay!

M: See you in a week!
*slams door*

Kids: …

him: oh sorry I thought you worked here

me, in line at a haunted house: WOW

Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull

oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments

DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M

ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters

I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.

I never met a cheese I didn’t like.

Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”