I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
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My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
This is the greatest and I won’t hear otherwise.
Good news: multiple library patrons have said they love my Halloween costume. Bad news: I wasn’t aware I was wearing a costume.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
#math
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
Average Home Depot experience: 19 year old needs to page the store manager to ask which aisle the light bulbs are in
Average Ace Hardware experience: 79 year old walks you through every aisle of the store and after 4 hours you know how to build a house from the ground up
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
i wish i could throw tomatoes at tweets
Are you a hero about to fight some baddies? Here are some battle cry ideas to strike fear into your enemies’ hearts:
* Hot buttery death!
* HR will hear about this!
* I’m as strong as fifty men and as crazy as a thousand raccoons!
* Brenda!
* Don’t hit me! I’m telling Mom!
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.