I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
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I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
remember
only for emergencies
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
Don’t wait until you’re on your death bed to let them know how you feel. You may be too weak to raise your middle finger.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.