I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
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when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
at ease…shoulder.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
I drove my new Corvette over to see my daughter’s puppy. First time I took my Vette to the dog.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
Watched a movie on Netflix last night that was so bad, I walked out of my own house.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…