Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point

All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.

Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?

*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”

Erm I’m gonna say no

[pharmacy]

“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”

PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?

“No thanks, I already believe in children”

Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!

I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN

The sun really clocks out for the day before I do that’s insane

People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.

the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.

Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.

Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.

Me: Push!

Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.

Me: What did the sign say?

Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((

Me: Rules are rules.

[job interview]

Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?

I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.

[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza

When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.

It’s the weekend y’all

You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.

FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.

*bird watching*

Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”

Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”

*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*

H: What’s for breakfast?

M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*

H: Great, when are you making potatoes?

M: They’re in my orange juice.

Great news everyone! the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery

Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first

free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side

SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!

PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:

SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.

Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.

My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.

Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.

Him: Why’d you shave it off?

Me: I just told you…

“I heard this story last time. Do you have anything new?”

-Me, as a therapist.