[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
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Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter