You know you’re drunk when the cat barks.
I don’t know which is stranger: That the cat buried a mouse’s body in the yard, or that the service was attended by dozens of mice in suits.
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The most popular car brands are German, Japanese, and Italian. It’s like losing WW2 is a prerequisite for making good autos.
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen up
Boss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
“I forgot my phone, so what do u want to talk about?”
*knocks on stall wall* “Hello? Can u hear me?”
“I like your shoes…Hello?”
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
Female without the vowels is ‘FML’.
Need I say more?
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
My roommate is 3 days younger than me so ive gotten in the habit of saying “when i was your age..” and then describing what i did 3 days ago