I don’t know which is worse, people stealing your tweets or people not stealing your tweets.
You Might Also Like
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
Doctors texting each other.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me: I want you to do some chores.
8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.
Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.