Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase

stirring up shit at the wedding by going up to random people and saying “i think it’s so brave that you’re here”

[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.

There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan

A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”

Go to the liquor store and rescue and few bottles of wine, they need a living home too.

Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.

I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.

Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.

MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig

BAND: Thank God! Finally!

MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster

Would I miss my leg or my arm more?

(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)

Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.

Last Minute Gift Idea:

Chew with your mouth closed.

December 1st:
Smoked a cigar

December 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth

Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.

Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest

One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.

Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.

So, just me..

Life hack:

Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.

Pizza Hut: May I take your order?

Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?

Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.

“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”

– my neighbor

I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.

A chihuahua is just a barking cat.

PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood

In honor of the fall equinox I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness

Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.

How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.

Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂

Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone

5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.