Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

gender is a just a scam made by big bathroom companies to sell more bathrooms

People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.

My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”

So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?

Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS

Told my twins at their basketball game to slay and don’t be beta skibidi and it felt like a dream to embarrass two kids at once.

I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!

The dog came third.

“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”

– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing

Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.

Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…

If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.

We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.

Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!

Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.

doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button

dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor

Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:

Sup, girl?

I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities

Made some terrible life choices the last few years.

Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.

*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.

Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”

The Lord: “You still have that?”

so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys

I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.

me: i’d like to go to this place

google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking

me: no i’m driv-

google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes

If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.

If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer

An avocado is a vegan kinder egg

Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons

*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.

[Tracking an animal]

Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.

#Thanos #MondayMood