I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
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Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
You didn’t get fired, your job “fumbled you”
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful