Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: You’ve already written no

Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess

Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess

ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”

Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”

In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.

Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.

Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.

i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks

[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”

STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support

I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane

Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.

Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?

i’m sure this is part of an ad campaign or whatever, but out of context i thought shaq was having a psychotic break

Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.

John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe

Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?

John Hammond: Haha what

If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.

Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.

Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.

Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.

I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.

Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?

If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.

REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!

ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast

Me: So, what do you do for a living?

Her: I flip houses.

Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.

Her: You’re an idiot.

If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.

We all know that communication is the key.

It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.

Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.

Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.

Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”

Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.

Costco workers just authorized a nationwide strike, which makes sense because collective action is basically just buying justice in bulk

Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.