I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
You Might Also Like
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
Cramming a band’s entire discography hours before a show just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
A man sentenced to the electric chair is strapped in when the prosecutor asks for his last words. He replies, “You’re making a mistake… I’ve already been charged!” #DarkHumor #Jokes #LegalLaughs