Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I may be small, but so is a grenade.

I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.

They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.

Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅

i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are

I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up

We got our carpet cleaned today, so I’m just waiting for the dog to throw up

Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.

I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses

Don’t we all.

[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*

My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”

bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?

me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting

The doctor asked if I was sexual active.

I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.

Person: *yelling at me*

Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better

Person: *abruptly shutting up*

People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.

[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk

My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”

Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.

*slips $5 to the mortician*

Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.

me: what is it boy?

my stomach: brrrggfkppr

me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?

my stomach: hrrrbbb

me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?

Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved

[date]

me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?

her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?

me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?

*awkward silence*

me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits

Them: Are you single?

Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized

it’s amazing how alcohol feels great and also has zero negative longterm side effects

me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?

car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt

You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.

I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.

[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?

I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.