I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
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yeah no that’s fair
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
we had to replace our dishwasher a few months ago and i genuinely had to argue with the store that i wanted the stupidest machine they had. there is not a single situation in the world in which my dishwasher needs wifi
This bar smells like my childhood.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.