I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
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Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
Why soy sad?
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.