I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
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Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Every time I start typing in “linkedin” on one of my browsers I just hit enter when it auto-fills and I always end up accidentally viewing the profile of some random person whose profile I once reviewed.
This guy is probably like “why is she so obsessed with me”
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.