I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
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Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.