Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing

Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys

Waiter: and for you?

Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas

When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.

i hate the toilet paper math where the package says like “6 ROLLS = 33 ROLLS!” No it doesn’t.

I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy

Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.

Someone has left me a voicemail. I don’t know what to do. Open the phone app? The contacts? Do I turn on the TV?

[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…

Me: A problem shared is half solved.

Invigilator: sit in the front.

Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha

Personal trainer: what’s so funny?

Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running

I’m not at all competitive [secretly races some woman on the self-checkout next to me so I finish first]

Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.

I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.

our neighborhoods continue to teem with violent migrant street gangs

“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.

“Same place you do,” she said.

“No, seriously-”

“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”

1995: oh cool, an online book store

2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”

Me: I’m going to be so productive today!

Apple Screen Time Report: LOL

My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.

{Text to boyfriend}

Meet me at our place.

Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot

Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart

All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.

Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale

Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus

If anyone has any experience with anything or knows anything about something please let me know 🙏

Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.

Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.

*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”

I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.

5: let’s play the quiet game.

Me: okay

5: ready..? Start.

Me:

5:

Me:

5: whoever talks first is the loser.

[50 years from now]

*visiting husband’s grave*

“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”

I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.

I need to update my racial profile.