I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
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Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”