Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk

I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.

Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?

Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*

Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?

Roman: Just the one, thanks

It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.

It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.

– Doctors

the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown

“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”

-Sir Smirnoff

Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.

[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle

If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.

My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.

Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!

I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website

My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.

#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy

Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling

doctor: what seems to be the problem?

t-rex: I cant feel my legs

We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.

Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water

Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated

My astrological sign is KFC gravy

Banking tips

Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier

Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel

The cell connection was bad so either your daughter is going to Yale or to jail. Either way, hope she’s out in five years or less.

My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.

I’m making him my new nutritionist.

Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?

Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.

My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?

My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.

BIL: Which one is the black one?

10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*

The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten

Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints

Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying

We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”