I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
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drew a comic about my origin story
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
4 year old: I had a nightmare
me: don’t worry, it wasn’t real
4 y.o.: I dreamed every movie based on established I.P. will now be reviewed by a committee of nerds censoring anything that might be controversial with fans of the franchise
me: *terror rising within me* no way
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
I love it all
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
People say you can’t pet every dog, but every dog lover knows that’s just a challenge in disguise.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
i have feelings for you but you have to guess which ones
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”