Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?

Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.

“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.

Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.

My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah

First Christmas argument underway.

Today a kindergartener asked me if he could ask me a question and I said “sure” and then he did a somersault.

I told my three year old that AI might go away and he wept for five fortnights at the thought of losing his large language model mother (my AI girlfriend)

My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.

Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*

sure, that makes sense. no big deal, i just go on linkedin to hang out anyway

[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?

“Bring your own beer”

Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat

My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.

I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife

handsome & gretel

My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.

Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.

Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet

The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.

COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.

My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.

Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.

you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak

Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:

1. Stay together forever
2. Break up

No pressure.

[peeing behind a tree]

bonsai artist: I have restrooms

An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.

I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”

People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.

It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*

My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”

[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]

“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”

I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.

Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.