Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Just once?

Dog:

Me: Please?

Dog:

Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”

Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?

Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!

My blood type is b hungry.

Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over

I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth

-my 3 yo, describing pretzels

Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!

Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.

Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.

Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.

where the womens at?

Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.

Me: Hiatus?

Girlfriend: I hate us too.

[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*

*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*

Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.

Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.

How does a Ninja attack a pig?

Pork Chop.

You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.

Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?

6-year-old: I know all the words.

Me: Good.

6: Just not all the letters in them.

4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge

Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.

I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.

I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…

my dads out of town and i just went over to his house to deep clean it while he’s gone and there was a lizard running around his kitchen and when i told him he was like “hell yeah that’s Kevin”

My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family

Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates

I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bears

They really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes

“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo

Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”

Priest: What can I do for you son?

Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died

Priest: Oh no I am so sorry

Me: The good news is my dog’s ok