I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
if I was minding my own business and someone told me I stink stank stunk I’d try to steal their christmas too. my mans did nothing wrong
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
The three genders.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
[on a ladder vacuuming trees so I don’t have to rake]: everyone else is stupid
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
