I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
Decided to eat outside and a gust of wind just blew half my salad away. Welcome to British summer.
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
Another interesting #factupdates post!
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
Salons always have hair on the floor. Garages always have oil on the floor.
Banks, what is your problem?
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
adam and eve had first world problems
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
