I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
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[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
Respect
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
how much for the angry fruit?
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
I love when a chef refers to themself as “fearless.” Like, are those figs on that sandwich? Calm down, Napoleon
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
I feel it
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?