Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.

Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?

The world is your Oyster.

So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?

Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips

My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything

My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing

Crying is a sign of leakness.

I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.

The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.

My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.

I won, so we’re getting a Meth.

Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.

People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!

That 👊

surely got to be a better way to end each section of this Mental Health training course

GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!

*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”

You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.

I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.

The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.

Turkeys really only have one day a year and it’s a bad one

DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER

Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.

you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant

Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.

robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest

pictures of spider-man

I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus

My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”

Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight

Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right

Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.

Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”

All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.

LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*

VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!

LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”