I don’t know who needs to hear this but it’s time to send me my weekly allowance for cheese
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NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
How come the person who developed the algorithm that makes IMDB think Prison Break’s “More like this” should include Bing Bang Theory gets to keep their job?
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
babe wake up, it’s stupid outside
is this a warning or an offer?
If you find yourself in a really awkward conversation do what I do; put your pants back on and leave.
Ever notice how the most sensitive topics love to crash the party at the worst times? Like, “Yes, I’m totally ready to unpack childhood trauma… in the grocery store line.”
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
they say if you lose one of your senses the others become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day just by looking at them
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Wolf: [in sheep’s clothing] let me in
Pig: nope
Wolf: [walking away] this costume sucks
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
😂😂
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299